Excuses

I attend therapy on a weekly basis and this week (similar to last week) I went in and was overwhelmed with tears. After explaining to my therapist that it was another bad weekend, that essentially, extended into my Monday, she seemed to understand that my emotional cup runneth over. I had explained to her that I told my mother that I had  no more fight left in me. This is true. I'm tired. I feel defeated. I feel lonely. Although I hear the faint voices of a few friends who seem to be embracing me from afar, I still feel like I've walked into solitary confinement and been left to die with my own thoughts. 

The conversation turned to my lack of friendships and a social life. As we began this conversation, I talked about one friend in particular who had been reaching out and the excuses I had for not getting together. I had promised to go to an event with her approximately two months after my surgery. I had an abdominal myomectomy for fibroids and I had endometriosis as well. In any case, my first menstrual cycle after my surgery caused me to have to stay home from work. My second cycle fell on the weekend of the event. Where I erred, was not telling my friend until the last minute. I knew I was wrong and I felt bad about it. My friend was actually reaching out to hang out on a separate night from the event, and I hit her with the fact I wasn't  going to attend this event with her. I could literally hear the heartbreak in her response to me, even though we were texting. Although that was an excuse, it was also a valid reason. It wasn't until my March menstrual cycle that things began to normalize for me. In any case, the other excuse I gave my friend is that I just wasn't feeling like going out because I had gained weight and I didn't have any clothing that fit anymore. This is an excuse has kept me at home more nights than I can keep track of. The truth is that it isn't COMPLETELY about clothing or weight gain. Some of it is about confidence. I'm not on the top of anyone's list of people to spend time with these days. I  know that's because I turn people down a lot. In my depressed state I don't see myself as good company. I don't see myself having a good time when going out. I just see myself as existing instead of living. Existing isn't enough. 

Here are the symptoms of depression: 

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• Irritability, restlessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• Overeating or appetite loss
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

I experience almost all of these on a daily basis. Lately, I've found myself crying more than usual and more hopeless than usual. I can have everyone in the world tell me they care, but I often don't feel it. I appreciate those people who reach out and let me know. It does make me feel better for the moment, but my depression is stronger. That last symptom has has been gnawing at my brain for the last two weeks. Like a cancerous tumor, it's been eating away at me. My feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, pessimism, sad, anxious, and empty feelings are so strong lately that they've got me convinced that dying would be better than living unhappy. I've imagined myself lying lifeless in my home and because I don't have many local friends who stop by or who text me on the weekends, I'd go unnoticed until I failed to show up for work on Monday morning. 

It's true I make excuses. I rely on those excuses because I don't want people to see me when I'm in such a miserable and unhappy state. I've been trying numerous things to change my circumstances. Thankfully my therapist recognizes that. I've had a so many people in my life who cannot understand how this illness affects me. It's too much for most people to handle. I've gotten into arguments with people I've trusted and relied on as forever friends. But no friend is forever I suppose. I don't doubt that people won't ever disappoint you, but I've had few people truly stand by me in my darkest hour which is why I feel so alone now. 

My therapist kind of made me feel bad about making the excuses I make. I don't like being alone, but I don't trust anyone, so excuses are a sort of a shield, I guess. Maybe that's just another excuse. I don't know. I suppose I'll never stop making excuses as long as I'm feeling depressed. 

Road blocks and Green lights.........

My last post on this blog was nearly a year ago. A lot has happened in that time, but not a lot has changed. I finished last year by walking the Halloween Freaky 4 Miler race because I hadn't been running enough to honor my registration of the half marathon. I purchased a house. Although a great accomplishment, I do miss my old apartment. I ended 2013 with what now seems like will be a routine surgery every 6 - 7 years. :(

My list of friends has dwindled drastically. People whom I trusted who knew how others had treated me in the past, made it clear that they were my 'real' friends. I suppose that when someone has to blurt it out, it often means that it's probably not true. In any case, my social life has dwindled as well. Some of that is by choice. 

My life now consists of going to work during the week and doing nothing on the weekends. My workweek comprises of the majority of my social life. It's a vast improvement from the past (if you've read my previous blog posts) in that I haven't missed by two days of work since the year started. One day was just a few weeks after surgery and I hadn't expected a certain side effect. Another day was really stupid so it won't be mentioned here. In any case, my weekends are not as structured as my weekdays (nor are my days off), and as such, depression has a way of raping me of my ability to be a functioning individual. I know that "rape" is a strong word, but after my emotional breakdown on Monday April 21, I realized that depression has a way of traumatizing a person. It's like a downward slope going into the weekend for me. I started my Friday off by doing my short run for the marathon training program I started to get me trained for the NY marathon. Saturday morning I started my day by getting up and going food shopping, but wasn't feeling well. When I came home, I climbed into bed and it went down hill from there. Sunday was even worse, although I had lofty aspirations to get in another run as specified on my training plan. I also had aspirations of cleaning my home and doing laundry. None of that got done. Instead I slept most of the day and my energy was just non-existent. By Monday morning, I was anxious and stressed out because I had accomplished nothing. To make matters worse, I had broken my new cell phone I had just gotten after switching cell phone carriers to save money and when I got home after work, I had found that my dog had done her business on my area rug. I had spent most of my day crying.

Now I can imagine many people reading this and not seeing the problem. Possibly thinking I'm lazy. When you understand what depression can do to a person, you'll understand that it can deplete you of your will to do anything. I definitely have good days, but most days are bad. I don't ask people for help because I've been raised to do things by myself. Sometimes that poses a bigger problem for me. Being single with no family, trying to do everything on my own can become an overwhelming task with depression. 

Most days I don't want to go out and I've begun to wonder how close I am to having social anxiety. Weight gain, not having clothing that fits, not having enough disposable income to replenish my wardrobe with larger clothing, and often not having the energy to get out and exercise as much as I used to in the past seem to hold me back. I don't let it hold me back completely, though. I push forward every day and when you see me post a run on twitter, or when I do return to Facebook, see most post something about my accomplishments, I may be having a good moment, or a good day. Regardless of how bad it gets, I try to keep moving forward.