Clarity is often taken for granted by most people who don't have the experience of coping with a mental illness on a daily basis. I can recall almost 11 years ago when I experienced a similar major depressive episode to the one I experienced over the past 18 months. I remember emerging out of "fog of depression" with a sense of clarity. That's how I describe it now. The only difference between then and now, is that back then I didn't experience episodes of mania (or at least none that I'm aware of). Approximately three weeks ago events occurred that caused me to spend the entire day an emotional, teary-eyed mess. It was in that moment that I made a call to my psychiatrist's office and scheduled an appointment. Apparently, I wasn't paying attention as I scheduled it (as I had scheduled it for the following week, yet had thought it was for the following DAY) and showed up on the incorrect day. Thankfully my psychiatrist saw me. By the time I saw him, I was feeling somewhat better, but still not quite myself. I hadn't seen him in probably 5-6 months and so I had explained what the last few months had been like for me.
You all know that story, so I don't need to go into details (if you're new to my blog, you can check out my previous posts). My psychiatrist decided to try out two new medications, one of which is actually a weight loss medication, but is also used for mood stabilization. I've definitely noticed a difference in terms of my appetite and even when I embark on a binge, I don't eat nearly as much as I did in the past. Additionally, my binges are less frequent. Within a week, the FOG lifted and my world became CLEAR. It was MAGICAL.
One of the first PERKS of CLARITY was the fact that I actually accomplished one of the hardest task during my 18 month cyclic manic/depressive period. This task was cleaning my apartment. I've managed to clean and keep it tidy. Next came increased energy and better sleep habits. I no longer spend most of my weekend sleeping. I've actually tried to take a nap and believe it or not, I can't even force myself to fall asleep in the afternoon whereas in the past, I could easily lay down and sleep all day and then sleep an entire night through. In terms of energy, although I'm not quite where I want to be in terms of working out, I'm in a better place than I was even while training for marathons all last year. I actually want to work out and I've made plans to work out. I do have some things that are causing some minor setbacks, but I have backup plans to get things moving. I've even signed up for a tennis class that starts next week. CLARITY is allowing me to see my possibilities and not my limitations.
Now the downside (yet a positive as well) of CLARITY is that I've had to really re-evaluate relationships with people. I've had friends who told me they were my "real" friends, yet they either don't want to or are unwilling, or can't deal with someone who has issues as extreme as mine. My therapist has told me that people have their own lives and it's not easy for people to be able to understand an illness that they can't see or that doesn't have a physical manifestation (such as cancer or the flu, etc). I started this blog and my Facebook page to educated my friends and family, however, I found that after sending an article to a friend to help them understand, the comments that I got were things such as, "Don't let anyone steal your happiness", or "Great article, thanks for sharing", or "Don't ever be sad". If it were that easy, don't you think I would have done that? So, sadly, I've had to push those people outside of my immediate circle as sadly they cannot be relied upon for the type of support I need. They're still friends, but no longer privy to the inner circle.
As soon as things became CLEAR, I also began to experience ANGER. This was ANGER I had internalized over the last 18 months. Most of it I have dealt with and as of the writing of this blog, don't feel much anger because I've dealt with the relationships I felt let me down, I've started embracing ME (what I mean by that is being OK being ALONE), and started doing what makes me happy.
I'm in the process of making some new decisions. My therapist thinks that my new found clarity is a manic episode and my psychiatrist just thinks I'm happy to finally be able to function.
