For the last couple of weeks the predominate theme in my
life has been relationships. This theme has always been at the forefront of my
life, however, these last couple of weeks it has placed itself at the top of
the list of themes affecting my life. With approximately two and a half weeks
until my 37th birthday, it seems as though I’m encountering a bit of
a “mid-life” crisis or possibly a phase of life learning that I wish I had
encountered years ago. As I talk to people, it’s frustrating hearing the
textbook responses from people who are trying to offer support, but really don’t
know much about me or take time to understand me or the particulars of my experience.
The first textbook response that comes to mind is the saying
that you need to “love yourself first”. I’m not saying that I completely disagree
with that statement, but I find that when others provide this type of advice,
it comes across as judgmental and a bit hypocritical. I say this because people
assume that just because I have depression that I do not love myself. Another
example would be my desire for a romantic relationship and the fact that I
actually search for love means that I do not love myself. In romantic
relationships, and any interpersonal relationship, there is then the dynamic of
what type of treatment a person is willing to tolerate and depending on the degree
of negativity tolerated, an individual is considered to be lacking in self-love
because they (according to outside eyes) accept it as opposed to walking away. That’s
not always the case. There may be other factors at play. Additionally, the way
in which an individual conducts himself or herself isn’t always an indication
that they do not love themselves. In my opinion, the lack of self-love is most
apparent in the individual who is already harming himself or herself (psychologically
or physically) and therefore the acceptance of negative or harmful treatment is
more acceptable. That’s just one dimension (and an evolving theory for me that
may require further thought and discussion).
When I was younger, I engaged in self-harming behaviors (read my
previous blog posts), but I wasn’t completely self-loathing. As I got older and
developed my self-identity, I became more confident in my skills and abilities.
Others may disagree with me, but if I was lacking in self-love, I might have
experienced more doubt about what I could accomplish and achieve in life. I set
goals at a young age and I have managed to accomplish most of them. Where I’ve
struggled is with relationships. My struggle in the area of relationships is
NOT a condition of lacking self-love. I’m happy being single, but having that
connection with someone at a romantic level would be a bonus. When I worded it
to someone that way (although I used the word “multiplied”), I was told that I
didn’t love myself enough and that I shouldn’t need another person to multiply
my love for myself. In this case, I feel I was misunderstood. How many people
have seen couples profess their love for each other and say that their lover “completed”
them? I don’t see much difference in my statement. It’s just how the other
person interprets my idea without asking for clarification.
I’m not sure if I’ve covered everything I wanted to
regarding the “love yourself” topic, however, the main idea I want to get
across is don’t assume that an individual does not have self-love just because
they might put themselves through something that you yourself would walk away
from. In some cases, it’s not so much a condition of lack of love for oneself
that is the problem, but rather a part of their personal story that has yet to
reveal the lesson that needs to be learned so they can be successful in a
particular area of life. The reason I say this is because despite my
depression, I’ve managed to accomplish my education, a successful career,
complete marathons, and a host of other things that contribute to the person I
am. You may think that these things don’t correlate with self-love; however, it
is my belief that people who love themselves take part in things that are
indicative of self-care. For me, this means personal development and
self-improvement for the purpose of growth and understanding. That doesn’t mean
we won’t have to repeat a few negative experiences along the way until the
final piece of the puzzle is discovered to allow you to excel in an area that you
might have been struggling. For me, this area was relationships and until a
couple of weeks ago, I had little idea I was missing a piece of the puzzle. I
thought that I had manageable relationship (and communication) skills despite a
string of failed friendships and relationships. There are times when I knew
when it was time to walk away and there were other times when I fought to save
the integrity of the relationship. The problem always came when I fought for
the relationship. I’m aware that it’s possible to say too much and to not say enough.
My problem in relationships is that I never learned the appropriate time for
either. My experiences these past two weeks has also taught me that our history
can have a damaging impact on our present/future. I knew this from my studies
in Psychology, but it’s different when it becomes applied to your own life.
When you spend most of your formative years and young adulthood subconsciously
fighting a battle for someone else who couldn’t (or wouldn’t) fight for
themselves, it becomes damaging. When you grow apart from your caretakers and perceive
that the love they had to give was being withheld from you, it can leave you
angry. You might leave that behind in your childhood, but the emotions are not
forgotten as you get older and it plays out in all your relationships when it’s
triggered by a rejection or other perceived relationship failure. As a child,
for years you silenced yourself, but as an adult you exercise your power to
speak out.
My power to speak out has gotten me in trouble, but it’s
always been the person I am. I’ve always had a hard time with people who could
remain silent or hold back details. Today I was told that I “need to keep my
mouth shut”. That I “say too much”. It’s not the first time I’ve heard it, but
it’s the first time it resonated through me because I’m truly trying to use
this current heartbreak as a growth opportunity. I’ve been trying to explain to
those that I’ve reached out to that this heartbreak is not the same as others. I
keep receiving the textbook responses to what I’m going through, but most don’t
apply. As much as I want those who are trying to help to understand, I don’t
have the energy to explain ME to someone who isn’t going to take the time to
understand. I’ve experienced heartbreak before and I’ve moved on and my heart
has healed, but this time is different. It’s a devastating crack to my heart
(but it’s repairable) that has also cracked the core of my identity and who I
thought I was to some degree. My confidence is a little bit shattered because
although I’ve succeeded in so many ways, this whole experience feels like a
failure. My attempts to move forward seem to be pushing me backwards because I’m
doing things wrong and keep feeling punished for it. I think this is where
someone would tell me that I need to love myself, but I call BULLSHIT on that.
I DO love myself. I’ve just been challenged by conflicting information about
certain behaviors I have that I thought were OK. That led to me wonder about
the line between self-love and arrogant. I’m not saying I’m arrogant, but an
arrogant person may appear to have self-love but in reality, be self-loathing. An
arrogant person may be overflowing with self-love and just be an ass!
I’m struggling most right now because it’s a difficult road
to change these apparent negative communication traits. I also admit that I
sometimes have a hard time letting go, but that’s because I don’t believe in
giving up on people just because they’ve given up on me. Some relationships are
truly unhealthy, but it’s because one or
both people have unresolved issues. Sometimes those issues are apparent and
other times, they lay dormant. It’s not our job to fix another person, however,
I can say that the fact that a certain person didn’t completely give up on me
is the reason I’m finding myself where I am today. There were times I was in
denial, but it wasn’t until I witnessed how my actions affected another person,
it pushed me to dig deeper to understand things. Even though it is imperative
that I work through these issues on my own, they are RELATIONAL issues, not
SOLO issues. If I’m not working on them with someone, they will be harder to
resolve and are likely to resurface later on. A behavior is learned in a
repetitive nature and must be unlearned in the same manner. It must also be
reminded that it wasn’t learned in isolation.
My confidence has been shaken, but it doesn’t mean I don’t
love myself. I’m not lying on the ground complaining about the fact that I have
failed. I have dusted myself off and starting trying to do something about it.
I keep messing up and it hurts because it’s thrown in my face. I know that it’s
not being done to make me feel bad, but it still hurts. I begin to feel like a
failure, but it pushes me to keep pushing to “change” and become a better
version of who I was before the heartbreak. I may have done some bad things for
all of the wrong reasons. I’m not using my past as an excuse, because as someone
pointed out to me, it’s my choice. People will judge your behaviors and say
that because you engaged in such and such behavior that you do not love
yourself, but sometimes it’s a symptom of a larger problem. Free will may
dictate your actions; however, sometimes frame of mind controls the impulse to
act. It is in the moment when we are confronted with the deeper issues that it
changes everything. It breaks you. Once that happens you begin the process of
putting yourself back together.
