Road blocks and Green lights.........

My last post on this blog was nearly a year ago. A lot has happened in that time, but not a lot has changed. I finished last year by walking the Halloween Freaky 4 Miler race because I hadn't been running enough to honor my registration of the half marathon. I purchased a house. Although a great accomplishment, I do miss my old apartment. I ended 2013 with what now seems like will be a routine surgery every 6 - 7 years. :(

My list of friends has dwindled drastically. People whom I trusted who knew how others had treated me in the past, made it clear that they were my 'real' friends. I suppose that when someone has to blurt it out, it often means that it's probably not true. In any case, my social life has dwindled as well. Some of that is by choice. 

My life now consists of going to work during the week and doing nothing on the weekends. My workweek comprises of the majority of my social life. It's a vast improvement from the past (if you've read my previous blog posts) in that I haven't missed by two days of work since the year started. One day was just a few weeks after surgery and I hadn't expected a certain side effect. Another day was really stupid so it won't be mentioned here. In any case, my weekends are not as structured as my weekdays (nor are my days off), and as such, depression has a way of raping me of my ability to be a functioning individual. I know that "rape" is a strong word, but after my emotional breakdown on Monday April 21, I realized that depression has a way of traumatizing a person. It's like a downward slope going into the weekend for me. I started my Friday off by doing my short run for the marathon training program I started to get me trained for the NY marathon. Saturday morning I started my day by getting up and going food shopping, but wasn't feeling well. When I came home, I climbed into bed and it went down hill from there. Sunday was even worse, although I had lofty aspirations to get in another run as specified on my training plan. I also had aspirations of cleaning my home and doing laundry. None of that got done. Instead I slept most of the day and my energy was just non-existent. By Monday morning, I was anxious and stressed out because I had accomplished nothing. To make matters worse, I had broken my new cell phone I had just gotten after switching cell phone carriers to save money and when I got home after work, I had found that my dog had done her business on my area rug. I had spent most of my day crying.

Now I can imagine many people reading this and not seeing the problem. Possibly thinking I'm lazy. When you understand what depression can do to a person, you'll understand that it can deplete you of your will to do anything. I definitely have good days, but most days are bad. I don't ask people for help because I've been raised to do things by myself. Sometimes that poses a bigger problem for me. Being single with no family, trying to do everything on my own can become an overwhelming task with depression. 

Most days I don't want to go out and I've begun to wonder how close I am to having social anxiety. Weight gain, not having clothing that fits, not having enough disposable income to replenish my wardrobe with larger clothing, and often not having the energy to get out and exercise as much as I used to in the past seem to hold me back. I don't let it hold me back completely, though. I push forward every day and when you see me post a run on twitter, or when I do return to Facebook, see most post something about my accomplishments, I may be having a good moment, or a good day. Regardless of how bad it gets, I try to keep moving forward.