RWD: Running While Depressed - Part 2

This is a LOOOOOOONG overdue post. I had meant to write it about two weeks ago, I believe, but I got depressed. In any case, in my last blog post, I had talked about how I had essentially flaked on my running group as well as my running friends. This trend continued through the Summer of 2012. Also, during the Summer, I had made an attempt to lose weight. I had gained about 15 lbs due to the frequent binges I was having. I decided to go back to Quick Weight Loss Centers. That was an ultimate failure. I would do well for about a week, but then I'd binge after losing a few lbs. This continued weekly until just about a month ago when I realize that the rigid structure of the plan that had worked so well before, wasn't what I needed at this  time. Took me almost a year to realize that. In the 10 months that I've wasted, I could be 100 lbs by now!!! I haven't gotten on a scale in a while, but I know that I've gained weight. I constantly feel conscientious about it because people have this view of me as being this fit runner. I've officially gone from a size 4/6 to a 12/14. 

I'll get back to the weight a bit later in this post. As far as my running, I wasn't consistent at all. I had a race scheduled for the beginning of October in my hometown and I'd not run more than about 6 miles. I managed to finish the race and in a somewhat respectable time ( for me personally). It wasn't my sub 2:30, but at least I had finished. I ran another race at the end of October, then the middle of November and a week after that. Each race, not my best, but even with my on again/off again running schedule, I still managed to finish each race. Since I had a full marathon scheduled for the end of January, I managed to get myself out on weekends to get my long runs in, even if I did them by myself. At this point, my friends were faster than I was. I always ended up running alone anyway. Race day came, and it was awful. I didn't actually finish the entire 26.2 miles. I  was rerouted because they had to open certain roadways. I crossed the finish line, however, it was better than the previous year when I didn't even try to complete the full and just stopped at the halfway point.   After that I completed a race in mid-February and mid-March. Since my last race in March, I haven't done ANYTHING!! :( 

I came home from my last race in March (which was the Rock and Roll USA in Washington, DC). I didn't unpack, I didn't clean, I didn't run. I didn't do anything. I fell into a slump. Now that I was done training for races, everything else was in my face. Being lonely, having an unkempt apartment, feeling overwhelmed and rejected. I had gotten tired of the Quick Weight Loss program and had decided to try it on  my own, but I was still binge eating. I finally just gave up. Then I saw a commercial for Jenny Craig and made a phone call. After looking at the cost and how much I had spent on QWL, I cancelled my appointment. Plus, I didn't want to shower and get out of the house that day.It was one of those days. I saw another commercial for Nutrisystem and figured, I had tried it once before in the past and it was cheaper than Jenny Craig, I'd try it for three months. The first month hasn't gone too well (meaning, I haven't lost any weight), but that's because I haven't been consistent. I have been binging, but not as much as I used to. Having more options to add to my diet, meant I wasn't craving those nasty foods that I used to console myself when I was feeling sad. Eating more variety meant that on that level, I was fulfilled, even if emotionally I wasn't completely (hence the reason the binges still continue, but not as bad).

First and foremost, I want to lose this weight, but I'm not stressing myself out about it. I know I need to work on what it is I'm eating. Since my binges revolve around a lot of sugar, I wanted to learn more about a link between sugar and depression. Here's a blog article regarding that: Sugar and Depression. I'm going to have to reduce or eliminate (at least for a few months), my intake of white breads and pastas and refined sugars and candy. Focus more on eating lean protein and natural fruits and veggies. This is the way to lose weight anyway and it should assist me in overcoming some of the major symptoms of depression. 

The second thing I plan to do is start exercising again. I have it set in my mind that I have to get up at the crack of dawn to exercise or run (although the heat of Summer in South Florida makes running after 8am unbearable), but I realize that with my schedule, most weekdays I can fit in a workout without getting up before the sun does. I just need to change that script in my head that tells me I have to do it it a certain time. I've decided to do Chalene Extreme, which is a weight lifting and cardio program and then introduce a running plan into the mix about a week after I start. I've already planned out my workouts, however, I day I decided to do it, I slept in. I've done this twice. I have it set up to start tomorrow (I can do my workout after work). I'll end with that and I''ll post a new blog in about a week and a half to share my progress (if I've made any). I don't plan on weighing myself or taking measurements, but I will be taking a progress photos. I'll let my clothes tell the story and my mood indicate how well I'm doing. Until next time. Thank you for reading. 

Undervalued

Do you ever feel under valued? I'm sure at one time or another we've been called selfish and this could be for any number of reasons. This isn't usually by strangers, but by people with whom you have a relationship with. Could be a family member, friend, or romantic partner. Over the last 10 years, I've had about two romantic partners and a friend here or there actually tell me that I was selfish. Usually it was because I communicated (to them it was complaining) that a need wasn't being met in the relationship. They usually harped that I wasn't doing anything to meet their needs. The funny thing is that I go above and beyond for my friends when they need me, but it's usually underappreciated. This then leaves me feeling undervalued. This contributes to my depressed mood and leaves me feeling as though I have no one to turn to. Additionally, feeling as though I'm not understood by friends and family also causes this isolation and disconnect. This week, I haven't really been in contact with any of my friends. No phone calls (mostly because I have no desire to talk on the phone, well one phone call actually), very few text messages, an A LOT of time spent by myself. Most people are busy with their other friends and family, so I don't reach out to schedule any time of outings with anyone. I don't think I'd be much company because at the moment, I'm just numb. I don't feel much excitement or interest in anything (Note to my mother: I'm taking my medicine). In any case, part of this is because I've been feeling undervalued. I briefly browsed an article that talked about how depressed people can become selfish because of their narrow view of the world and their inability to take care of themselves and meet their own needs. It's difficult to address the needs and feelings of the people in their lives. It's no excuse. I try to be attentive, but most of the time I just can't deal with myself and be a good friend. I've let a lot of people down. Anyway, just my thought for the moment.