Authenticity of Self (Contains bad language -minimal)

For the last couple of weeks the predominate theme in my life has been relationships. This theme has always been at the forefront of my life, however, these last couple of weeks it has placed itself at the top of the list of themes affecting my life. With approximately two and a half weeks until my 37^th birthday, it seems as though I’m encountering a bit of a “mid-life” crisis or possibly a phase of life learning that I wish I had encountered years ago. As I talk to people, it’s frustrating hearing the textbook responses from people who are trying to offer support, but really don’t know much about me or take time to understand me or the particulars of my experience.

The first textbook response that comes to mind is the saying that you need to “love yourself first”. I’m not saying that I completely disagree with that statement, but I find that when others provide this type of advice, it comes across as judgmental and a bit hypocritical. I say this because people assume that just because I have depression that I do not love myself. Another example would be my desire for a romantic relationship and the fact that I actually search for love means that I do not love myself. In romantic relationships, and any interpersonal relationship, there is then the dynamic of what type of treatment a person is willing to tolerate and depending on the degree of negativity tolerated, an individual is considered to be lacking in self-love because they (according to outside eyes) accept it as opposed to walking away. That’s not always the case. There may be other factors at play. Additionally, the way in which an individual conducts himself or herself isn’t always an indication that they do not love themselves. In my opinion, the lack of self-love is most apparent in the individual who is already harming himself or herself (psychologically or physically) and therefore the acceptance of negative or harmful treatment is more acceptable. That’s just one dimension (and an evolving theory for me that may require further thought and discussion).  When I was younger, I engaged in self-harming behaviors (read my previous blog posts), but I wasn’t completely self-loathing. As I got older and developed my self-identity, I became more confident in my skills and abilities. Others may disagree with me, but if I was lacking in self-love, I might have experienced more doubt about what I could accomplish and achieve in life. I set goals at a young age and I have managed to accomplish most of them. Where I’ve struggled is with relationships. My struggle in the area of relationships is NOT a condition of lacking self-love. I’m happy being single, but having that connection with someone at a romantic level would be a bonus. When I worded it to someone that way (although I used the word “multiplied”), I was told that I didn’t love myself enough and that I shouldn’t need another person to multiply my love for myself. In this case, I feel I was misunderstood. How many people have seen couples profess their love for each other and say that their lover “completed” them? I don’t see much difference in my statement. It’s just how the other person interprets my idea without asking for clarification.

I’m not sure if I’ve covered everything I wanted to regarding the “love yourself” topic, however, the main idea I want to get across is don’t assume that an individual does not have self-love just because they might put themselves through something that you yourself would walk away from. In some cases, it’s not so much a condition of lack of love for oneself that is the problem, but rather a part of their personal story that has yet to reveal the lesson that needs to be learned so they can be successful in a particular area of life. The reason I say this is because despite my depression, I’ve managed to accomplish my education, a successful career, complete marathons, and a host of other things that contribute to the person I am. You may think that these things don’t correlate with self-love; however, it is my belief that people who love themselves take part in things that are indicative of self-care. For me, this means personal development and self-improvement for the purpose of growth and understanding. That doesn’t mean we won’t have to repeat a few negative experiences along the way until the final piece of the puzzle is discovered to allow you to excel in an area that you might have been struggling. For me, this area was relationships and until a couple of weeks ago, I had little idea I was missing a piece of the puzzle. I thought that I had manageable relationship (and communication) skills despite a string of failed friendships and relationships. There are times when I knew when it was time to walk away and there were other times when I fought to save the integrity of the relationship. The problem always came when I fought for the relationship. I’m aware that it’s possible to say too much and to not say enough. My problem in relationships is that I never learned the appropriate time for either. My experiences these past two weeks has also taught me that our history can have a damaging impact on our present/future. I knew this from my studies in Psychology, but it’s different when it becomes applied to your own life. When you spend most of your formative years and young adulthood subconsciously fighting a battle for someone else who couldn’t (or wouldn’t) fight for themselves, it becomes damaging. When you grow apart from your caretakers and perceive that the love they had to give was being withheld from you, it can leave you angry. You might leave that behind in your childhood, but the emotions are not forgotten as you get older and it plays out in all your relationships when it’s triggered by a rejection or other perceived relationship failure. As a child, for years you silenced yourself, but as an adult you exercise your power to speak out.

My power to speak out has gotten me in trouble, but it’s always been the person I am. I’ve always had a hard time with people who could remain silent or hold back details. Today I was told that I “need to keep my mouth shut”. That I “say too much”. It’s not the first time I’ve heard it, but it’s the first time it resonated through me because I’m truly trying to use this current heartbreak as a growth opportunity. I’ve been trying to explain to those that I’ve reached out to that this heartbreak is not the same as others. I keep receiving the textbook responses to what I’m going through, but most don’t apply. As much as I want those who are trying to help to understand, I don’t have the energy to explain ME to someone who isn’t going to take the time to understand. I’ve experienced heartbreak before and I’ve moved on and my heart has healed, but this time is different. It’s a devastating crack to my heart (but it’s repairable) that has also cracked the core of my identity and who I thought I was to some degree. My confidence is a little bit shattered because although I’ve succeeded in so many ways, this whole experience feels like a failure. My attempts to move forward seem to be pushing me backwards because I’m doing things wrong and keep feeling punished for it. I think this is where someone would tell me that I need to love myself, but I call BULLSHIT on that. I DO love myself. I’ve just been challenged by conflicting information about certain behaviors I have that I thought were OK. That led to me wonder about the line between self-love and arrogant. I’m not saying I’m arrogant, but an arrogant person may appear to have self-love but in reality, be self-loathing. An arrogant person may be overflowing with self-love and just be an ass!

I’m struggling most right now because it’s a difficult road to change these apparent negative communication traits. I also admit that I sometimes have a hard time letting go, but that’s because I don’t believe in giving up on people just because they’ve given up on me. Some relationships are truly unhealthy, but it’s because  one or both people have unresolved issues. Sometimes those issues are apparent and other times, they lay dormant. It’s not our job to fix another person, however, I can say that the fact that a certain person didn’t completely give up on me is the reason I’m finding myself where I am today. There were times I was in denial, but it wasn’t until I witnessed how my actions affected another person, it pushed me to dig deeper to understand things. Even though it is imperative that I work through these issues on my own, they are RELATIONAL issues, not SOLO issues. If I’m not working on them with someone, they will be harder to resolve and are likely to resurface later on. A behavior is learned in a repetitive nature and must be unlearned in the same manner. It must also be reminded that it wasn’t learned in isolation.

My confidence has been shaken, but it doesn’t mean I don’t love myself. I’m not lying on the ground complaining about the fact that I have failed. I have dusted myself off and starting trying to do something about it. I keep messing up and it hurts because it’s thrown in my face. I know that it’s not being done to make me feel bad, but it still hurts. I begin to feel like a failure, but it pushes me to keep pushing to “change” and become a better version of who I was before the heartbreak. I may have done some bad things for all of the wrong reasons. I’m not using my past as an excuse, because as someone pointed out to me, it’s my choice. People will judge your behaviors and say that because you engaged in such and such behavior that you do not love yourself, but sometimes it’s a symptom of a larger problem. Free will may dictate your actions; however, sometimes frame of mind controls the impulse to act. It is in the moment when we are confronted with the deeper issues that it changes everything. It breaks you. Once that happens you begin the process of putting yourself back together.

Excuses

I attend therapy on a weekly basis and this week (similar to last week) I went in and was overwhelmed with tears. After explaining to my therapist that it was another bad weekend, that essentially, extended into my Monday, she seemed to understand that my emotional cup runneth over. I had explained to her that I told my mother that I had  no more fight left in me. This is true. I'm tired. I feel defeated. I feel lonely. Although I hear the faint voices of a few friends who seem to be embracing me from afar, I still feel like I've walked into solitary confinement and been left to die with my own thoughts. 

The conversation turned to my lack of friendships and a social life. As we began this conversation, I talked about one friend in particular who had been reaching out and the excuses I had for not getting together. I had promised to go to an event with her approximately two months after my surgery. I had an abdominal myomectomy for fibroids and I had endometriosis as well. In any case, my first menstrual cycle after my surgery caused me to have to stay home from work. My second cycle fell on the weekend of the event. Where I erred, was not telling my friend until the last minute. I knew I was wrong and I felt bad about it. My friend was actually reaching out to hang out on a separate night from the event, and I hit her with the fact I wasn't  going to attend this event with her. I could literally hear the heartbreak in her response to me, even though we were texting. Although that was an excuse, it was also a valid reason. It wasn't until my March menstrual cycle that things began to normalize for me. In any case, the other excuse I gave my friend is that I just wasn't feeling like going out because I had gained weight and I didn't have any clothing that fit anymore. This is an excuse has kept me at home more nights than I can keep track of. The truth is that it isn't COMPLETELY about clothing or weight gain. Some of it is about confidence. I'm not on the top of anyone's list of people to spend time with these days. I  know that's because I turn people down a lot. In my depressed state I don't see myself as good company. I don't see myself having a good time when going out. I just see myself as existing instead of living. Existing isn't enough. 

Here are the symptoms of depression: 

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• Irritability, restlessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• Overeating or appetite loss
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

I experience almost all of these on a daily basis. Lately, I've found myself crying more than usual and more hopeless than usual. I can have everyone in the world tell me they care, but I often don't feel it. I appreciate those people who reach out and let me know. It does make me feel better for the moment, but my depression is stronger. That last symptom has has been gnawing at my brain for the last two weeks. Like a cancerous tumor, it's been eating away at me. My feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, pessimism, sad, anxious, and empty feelings are so strong lately that they've got me convinced that dying would be better than living unhappy. I've imagined myself lying lifeless in my home and because I don't have many local friends who stop by or who text me on the weekends, I'd go unnoticed until I failed to show up for work on Monday morning. 

It's true I make excuses. I rely on those excuses because I don't want people to see me when I'm in such a miserable and unhappy state. I've been trying numerous things to change my circumstances. Thankfully my therapist recognizes that. I've had a so many people in my life who cannot understand how this illness affects me. It's too much for most people to handle. I've gotten into arguments with people I've trusted and relied on as forever friends. But no friend is forever I suppose. I don't doubt that people won't ever disappoint you, but I've had few people truly stand by me in my darkest hour which is why I feel so alone now. 

My therapist kind of made me feel bad about making the excuses I make. I don't like being alone, but I don't trust anyone, so excuses are a sort of a shield, I guess. Maybe that's just another excuse. I don't know. I suppose I'll never stop making excuses as long as I'm feeling depressed. 

Road blocks and Green lights.........

My last post on this blog was nearly a year ago. A lot has happened in that time, but not a lot has changed. I finished last year by walking the Halloween Freaky 4 Miler race because I hadn't been running enough to honor my registration of the half marathon. I purchased a house. Although a great accomplishment, I do miss my old apartment. I ended 2013 with what now seems like will be a routine surgery every 6 - 7 years. :(

My list of friends has dwindled drastically. People whom I trusted who knew how others had treated me in the past, made it clear that they were my 'real' friends. I suppose that when someone has to blurt it out, it often means that it's probably not true. In any case, my social life has dwindled as well. Some of that is by choice. 

My life now consists of going to work during the week and doing nothing on the weekends. My workweek comprises of the majority of my social life. It's a vast improvement from the past (if you've read my previous blog posts) in that I haven't missed by two days of work since the year started. One day was just a few weeks after surgery and I hadn't expected a certain side effect. Another day was really stupid so it won't be mentioned here. In any case, my weekends are not as structured as my weekdays (nor are my days off), and as such, depression has a way of raping me of my ability to be a functioning individual. I know that "rape" is a strong word, but after my emotional breakdown on Monday April 21, I realized that depression has a way of traumatizing a person. It's like a downward slope going into the weekend for me. I started my Friday off by doing my short run for the marathon training program I started to get me trained for the NY marathon. Saturday morning I started my day by getting up and going food shopping, but wasn't feeling well. When I came home, I climbed into bed and it went down hill from there. Sunday was even worse, although I had lofty aspirations to get in another run as specified on my training plan. I also had aspirations of cleaning my home and doing laundry. None of that got done. Instead I slept most of the day and my energy was just non-existent. By Monday morning, I was anxious and stressed out because I had accomplished nothing. To make matters worse, I had broken my new cell phone I had just gotten after switching cell phone carriers to save money and when I got home after work, I had found that my dog had done her business on my area rug. I had spent most of my day crying.

Now I can imagine many people reading this and not seeing the problem. Possibly thinking I'm lazy. When you understand what depression can do to a person, you'll understand that it can deplete you of your will to do anything. I definitely have good days, but most days are bad. I don't ask people for help because I've been raised to do things by myself. Sometimes that poses a bigger problem for me. Being single with no family, trying to do everything on my own can become an overwhelming task with depression. 

Most days I don't want to go out and I've begun to wonder how close I am to having social anxiety. Weight gain, not having clothing that fits, not having enough disposable income to replenish my wardrobe with larger clothing, and often not having the energy to get out and exercise as much as I used to in the past seem to hold me back. I don't let it hold me back completely, though. I push forward every day and when you see me post a run on twitter, or when I do return to Facebook, see most post something about my accomplishments, I may be having a good moment, or a good day. Regardless of how bad it gets, I try to keep moving forward. 

CLARITY

Clarity is often taken for granted by most people who don't have the experience of coping with a mental illness on a daily basis. I can recall almost 11 years ago when I experienced a similar major depressive episode to the one I experienced over the past 18 months. I remember emerging out of  "fog of depression" with a sense of clarity. That's how I describe it now. The only difference between then and now, is that back then I didn't experience episodes of mania (or at least none that I'm aware of). Approximately three weeks ago events occurred that caused me to spend the entire day an emotional, teary-eyed mess. It was in that moment that I made a call to my psychiatrist's office and scheduled an appointment. Apparently, I wasn't paying attention as I scheduled it (as I had scheduled it for the following week, yet had thought it was for the following DAY) and showed up on the incorrect day. Thankfully my psychiatrist saw me. By the time I saw him, I was feeling somewhat better, but still not quite myself. I hadn't seen him in probably 5-6 months and so I had explained what the last few months had been like for me.

You all know that story, so I don't need to go into details (if you're new to my blog, you can check out my previous posts). My psychiatrist decided to try out two new medications, one of which is actually a weight loss medication, but is also used for mood stabilization. I've definitely noticed a difference in terms of my appetite and even when I embark on a binge, I don't eat nearly as much as I did in the past. Additionally, my binges are less frequent. Within a week, the FOG lifted and my world became CLEAR. It was MAGICAL.

One of the first PERKS of CLARITY was the fact that I actually accomplished one of the hardest task during my 18 month cyclic manic/depressive period. This task was cleaning my apartment. I've managed to clean and keep it tidy. Next came increased energy and better sleep habits. I no longer spend most of my weekend sleeping. I've actually tried to take a nap and believe it or not, I can't even force myself to fall asleep in the afternoon whereas in the past, I could easily lay down and sleep all day and then sleep an entire night through. In terms of energy, although I'm not quite where I want to be in terms of working out, I'm in a better place than I was even while training for marathons all last year. I actually want to work out and I've made plans to work out. I do have some things that are causing some minor setbacks, but I have backup plans to get things moving. I've even signed up for a tennis class that starts next week. CLARITY is allowing me to see my possibilities and not my limitations.

Now the downside (yet a positive as well) of CLARITY is that I've had to really re-evaluate relationships with people. I've had friends who told me they were my "real" friends, yet they either don't want to or are unwilling, or can't deal with someone who has issues as extreme as mine. My therapist has told me that people have their own lives and it's not easy for people to be able to understand an illness that they can't see or that doesn't have a physical manifestation (such as cancer or the flu, etc). I started this blog and my Facebook page to educated my friends and family, however, I found that after sending an article to a friend to help them understand, the comments that I got were things such as, "Don't let anyone steal your happiness", or "Great article, thanks for sharing", or "Don't ever be sad". If it were that easy, don't you think I would have done that? So, sadly, I've had to push those people outside of my immediate circle as sadly they cannot be relied upon for the type of support I need. They're still friends, but no longer privy to the inner circle.

As soon as things became CLEAR, I also began to experience ANGER. This was ANGER I had internalized over the last 18 months. Most of it I have dealt with and as of the writing of this blog, don't feel much anger because I've dealt with the relationships I felt let me down, I've started embracing ME (what I mean by that is being OK being ALONE), and started doing what makes me happy.

I'm in the process of making some new decisions. My therapist thinks that my new found clarity is a manic episode and my psychiatrist just thinks I'm happy to finally be able to function.

RWD: Running While Depressed - Part 2

This is a LOOOOOOONG overdue post. I had meant to write it about two weeks ago, I believe, but I got depressed. In any case, in my last blog post, I had talked about how I had essentially flaked on my running group as well as my running friends. This trend continued through the Summer of 2012. Also, during the Summer, I had made an attempt to lose weight. I had gained about 15 lbs due to the frequent binges I was having. I decided to go back to Quick Weight Loss Centers. That was an ultimate failure. I would do well for about a week, but then I'd binge after losing a few lbs. This continued weekly until just about a month ago when I realize that the rigid structure of the plan that had worked so well before, wasn't what I needed at this  time. Took me almost a year to realize that. In the 10 months that I've wasted, I could be 100 lbs by now!!! I haven't gotten on a scale in a while, but I know that I've gained weight. I constantly feel conscientious about it because people have this view of me as being this fit runner. I've officially gone from a size 4/6 to a 12/14. 

I'll get back to the weight a bit later in this post. As far as my running, I wasn't consistent at all. I had a race scheduled for the beginning of October in my hometown and I'd not run more than about 6 miles. I managed to finish the race and in a somewhat respectable time ( for me personally). It wasn't my sub 2:30, but at least I had finished. I ran another race at the end of October, then the middle of November and a week after that. Each race, not my best, but even with my on again/off again running schedule, I still managed to finish each race. Since I had a full marathon scheduled for the end of January, I managed to get myself out on weekends to get my long runs in, even if I did them by myself. At this point, my friends were faster than I was. I always ended up running alone anyway. Race day came, and it was awful. I didn't actually finish the entire 26.2 miles. I  was rerouted because they had to open certain roadways. I crossed the finish line, however, it was better than the previous year when I didn't even try to complete the full and just stopped at the halfway point.   After that I completed a race in mid-February and mid-March. Since my last race in March, I haven't done ANYTHING!! :( 

I came home from my last race in March (which was the Rock and Roll USA in Washington, DC). I didn't unpack, I didn't clean, I didn't run. I didn't do anything. I fell into a slump. Now that I was done training for races, everything else was in my face. Being lonely, having an unkempt apartment, feeling overwhelmed and rejected. I had gotten tired of the Quick Weight Loss program and had decided to try it on  my own, but I was still binge eating. I finally just gave up. Then I saw a commercial for Jenny Craig and made a phone call. After looking at the cost and how much I had spent on QWL, I cancelled my appointment. Plus, I didn't want to shower and get out of the house that day.It was one of those days. I saw another commercial for Nutrisystem and figured, I had tried it once before in the past and it was cheaper than Jenny Craig, I'd try it for three months. The first month hasn't gone too well (meaning, I haven't lost any weight), but that's because I haven't been consistent. I have been binging, but not as much as I used to. Having more options to add to my diet, meant I wasn't craving those nasty foods that I used to console myself when I was feeling sad. Eating more variety meant that on that level, I was fulfilled, even if emotionally I wasn't completely (hence the reason the binges still continue, but not as bad).

First and foremost, I want to lose this weight, but I'm not stressing myself out about it. I know I need to work on what it is I'm eating. Since my binges revolve around a lot of sugar, I wanted to learn more about a link between sugar and depression. Here's a blog article regarding that: Sugar and Depression. I'm going to have to reduce or eliminate (at least for a few months), my intake of white breads and pastas and refined sugars and candy. Focus more on eating lean protein and natural fruits and veggies. This is the way to lose weight anyway and it should assist me in overcoming some of the major symptoms of depression. 

The second thing I plan to do is start exercising again. I have it set in my mind that I have to get up at the crack of dawn to exercise or run (although the heat of Summer in South Florida makes running after 8am unbearable), but I realize that with my schedule, most weekdays I can fit in a workout without getting up before the sun does. I just need to change that script in my head that tells me I have to do it it a certain time. I've decided to do Chalene Extreme, which is a weight lifting and cardio program and then introduce a running plan into the mix about a week after I start. I've already planned out my workouts, however, I day I decided to do it, I slept in. I've done this twice. I have it set up to start tomorrow (I can do my workout after work). I'll end with that and I''ll post a new blog in about a week and a half to share my progress (if I've made any). I don't plan on weighing myself or taking measurements, but I will be taking a progress photos. I'll let my clothes tell the story and my mood indicate how well I'm doing. Until next time. Thank you for reading. 

Undervalued

Do you ever feel under valued? I'm sure at one time or another we've been called selfish and this could be for any number of reasons. This isn't usually by strangers, but by people with whom you have a relationship with. Could be a family member, friend, or romantic partner. Over the last 10 years, I've had about two romantic partners and a friend here or there actually tell me that I was selfish. Usually it was because I communicated (to them it was complaining) that a need wasn't being met in the relationship. They usually harped that I wasn't doing anything to meet their needs. The funny thing is that I go above and beyond for my friends when they need me, but it's usually underappreciated. This then leaves me feeling undervalued. This contributes to my depressed mood and leaves me feeling as though I have no one to turn to. Additionally, feeling as though I'm not understood by friends and family also causes this isolation and disconnect. This week, I haven't really been in contact with any of my friends. No phone calls (mostly because I have no desire to talk on the phone, well one phone call actually), very few text messages, an A LOT of time spent by myself. Most people are busy with their other friends and family, so I don't reach out to schedule any time of outings with anyone. I don't think I'd be much company because at the moment, I'm just numb. I don't feel much excitement or interest in anything (Note to my mother: I'm taking my medicine). In any case, part of this is because I've been feeling undervalued. I briefly browsed an article that talked about how depressed people can become selfish because of their narrow view of the world and their inability to take care of themselves and meet their own needs. It's difficult to address the needs and feelings of the people in their lives. It's no excuse. I try to be attentive, but most of the time I just can't deal with myself and be a good friend. I've let a lot of people down. Anyway, just my thought for the moment.

RWD: Running While Depressed Part 1

In order to discuss this topic, I'll need to go back to the end of Summer 2011. This was about the time that things started to decline in terms of my running. At this time, I was running at a pretty brisk pace. Most of my runs averaged about an 11 -11:45 min/mile. I was fairly consistent with my running and I wasn't binging quite as much. Towards the end of August, I allowed people in my life who had nothing but ill intentions. Unfortunately, I can't place all the blame on these individuals since I allowed them into my life in the first place and I accepted certain behaviors from them which were often times derogatory towards me. In any case, this was when my mood, my binge eating, and my running began reach an unhealthy level. Due to my frequent binges, I began slowly gaining weight, I still managed my running, however, it was infrequent and inconsistent. These toxic people were still in my life and they affected me emotionally until the end of the month of January 2012.

The end of January was also the time when I was supposed to be running my 5th marathon (the ING Miami). I hadn't trained effectively and even with this fact, I still decided to attempt to run the 26.2 miles. By mile 4, I was already mentally and physically fatigued. I pushed my way through the miles I could, telling myself that I could at least finish the half marathon (which I did). It was still a bit of a blow to my self-esteem (even though I knew I had not done adequate training), because I know I had let myself down. In 2010, I was doing so well (emotionally and physically), that I was able to finish the marathon in 5 hours and 22 minutes. I as proud of myself back then. I had gone from running a 6 hour + marathon, to below 5.5 hours. It took me fours years to do it, but I had accomplished something incredibly by my standards.

Shortly after my race, one of the toxic people ejected themselves out of my life, but painfully so. A few days later, the other toxic person did the same thing. Emotionally, I couldn't handle this because I had dealt with some much from both of these people at the same time that I felt beaten and battered emotionally. Not to mention coping with depression, my emotions were magnified. A lot of people communicated how they would deal with such an issue (essentially just shrugging their shoulders and moving on), however, this was more difficult for me as I already beat myself up emotionally, that having another person do that, in addition to rejecting me (at least that's how it felt) was devastating. The few months following these incidents, I became somewhat catatonic.

I got up late for work due to the fact that it was difficult for me to pull myself out of bed to shower and get ready. It felt as though it took too much effort attempt to get ready for work. Unfortunately, my dog would suffer as a result of this. Soon, my ability to get out bed caused me to miss quite a few days at work. I neglected my personal hygiene, only showering every couple of days if I wasn't going to work, or over the weekend. If I did shower, it was only to go out to eat (if I was hungry) to obtain my comfort food to binge on. It often made me feel better. My house was messy, and I didn't have the energy to clean up. When my friends would text or call, I'd usually ignore their calls, be unresponsive to their texts, or turn my phone off completely. Some people would not hear from me for days (especially those friends who did not see me often). I felt lonely and isolated, as though no one cared, otherwise they would have done more to determine what was wrong. It's ironic, because I was the one who was isolating myself from everyone. Finally, I was frequently standing up my running friends (from 2011 -2012, I was a part of a running group as an assistant coach and occasionally I'd just sleep in and not show up or call anyone to let them know I would not be there) and disappointing them causing them to see me as unreliable. I just couldn't drag myself out of bed (or out of the house) most weekday mornings (or weekends for that matter) to complete my training runs. This was the start of the dramatic decline of my running. I'll save the rest of the story for RWD: Part 2.