RWD: Running While Depressed Part 1

In order to discuss this topic, I'll need to go back to the end of Summer 2011. This was about the time that things started to decline in terms of my running. At this time, I was running at a pretty brisk pace. Most of my runs averaged about an 11 -11:45 min/mile. I was fairly consistent with my running and I wasn't binging quite as much. Towards the end of August, I allowed people in my life who had nothing but ill intentions. Unfortunately, I can't place all the blame on these individuals since I allowed them into my life in the first place and I accepted certain behaviors from them which were often times derogatory towards me. In any case, this was when my mood, my binge eating, and my running began reach an unhealthy level. Due to my frequent binges, I began slowly gaining weight, I still managed my running, however, it was infrequent and inconsistent. These toxic people were still in my life and they affected me emotionally until the end of the month of January 2012.

The end of January was also the time when I was supposed to be running my 5th marathon (the ING Miami). I hadn't trained effectively and even with this fact, I still decided to attempt to run the 26.2 miles. By mile 4, I was already mentally and physically fatigued. I pushed my way through the miles I could, telling myself that I could at least finish the half marathon (which I did). It was still a bit of a blow to my self-esteem (even though I knew I had not done adequate training), because I know I had let myself down. In 2010, I was doing so well (emotionally and physically), that I was able to finish the marathon in 5 hours and 22 minutes. I as proud of myself back then. I had gone from running a 6 hour + marathon, to below 5.5 hours. It took me fours years to do it, but I had accomplished something incredibly by my standards.

Shortly after my race, one of the toxic people ejected themselves out of my life, but painfully so. A few days later, the other toxic person did the same thing. Emotionally, I couldn't handle this because I had dealt with some much from both of these people at the same time that I felt beaten and battered emotionally. Not to mention coping with depression, my emotions were magnified. A lot of people communicated how they would deal with such an issue (essentially just shrugging their shoulders and moving on), however, this was more difficult for me as I already beat myself up emotionally, that having another person do that, in addition to rejecting me (at least that's how it felt) was devastating. The few months following these incidents, I became somewhat catatonic.

I got up late for work due to the fact that it was difficult for me to pull myself out of bed to shower and get ready. It felt as though it took too much effort attempt to get ready for work. Unfortunately, my dog would suffer as a result of this. Soon, my ability to get out bed caused me to miss quite a few days at work. I neglected my personal hygiene, only showering every couple of days if I wasn't going to work, or over the weekend. If I did shower, it was only to go out to eat (if I was hungry) to obtain my comfort food to binge on. It often made me feel better. My house was messy, and I didn't have the energy to clean up. When my friends would text or call, I'd usually ignore their calls, be unresponsive to their texts, or turn my phone off completely. Some people would not hear from me for days (especially those friends who did not see me often). I felt lonely and isolated, as though no one cared, otherwise they would have done more to determine what was wrong. It's ironic, because I was the one who was isolating myself from everyone. Finally, I was frequently standing up my running friends (from 2011 -2012, I was a part of a running group as an assistant coach and occasionally I'd just sleep in and not show up or call anyone to let them know I would not be there) and disappointing them causing them to see me as unreliable. I just couldn't drag myself out of bed (or out of the house) most weekday mornings (or weekends for that matter) to complete my training runs. This was the start of the dramatic decline of my running. I'll save the rest of the story for RWD: Part 2.

Introducing.......

Welcome to the Depressed Runner Blog. I had initially planned on writing about my recently completed 2012/2013 training/racing season, however, I thought it best that I introduce myself and provide a little bit of information as to why I'm writing this blog. I'll write about my training/racing season in my next blog. This blog will serve as a place for me to talk about living (and running) with depression. There are a plethora of psychological studies that have shown the benefits of exercise in managing the symptoms of depression. As a runner for the last 7 years, I can say that exercise has contributed to SOME manageability of my depressive symptoms, but is not a cure-all. Here is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition, Text Revision description of various mood disorders:Major Depression

Specifically, I'd like to direct your attention to Major Depressive Episode and Major Depressive Disorder. This is just a part of my diagnosis and affects most of my daily activities, as well as, how I view the world around me. Most days I feel alone, isolated, unloved, and misunderstood. I've been told by people in my life that I shouldn't reveal to too many people that I struggle with depression because it weakens my credibility or it can ruin opportunities.......

I understand where that thinking comes from, however, when this is something that affects so many areas of my life, it's not easy to keep it a secret. Then there are those people that just don't get it. They'll never get it. I can send articles, I can describe my experiences, they can witness each symptom displayed by me first hand, yet still not get it! Friendships are tested (usually to the point of failure), and those feelings I described in the last paragraph take over. Then, there are the personal messages and feelings I have about myself. People are always saying how I need to love myself, and I suppose I do, but I tend to mentally beat myself up more often than praise.

Daily activities are often difficult as well. Just getting up in the morning is a victory most days, especially when I'm in a depressive cycle. Due to some behaviors last summer, I have also been given a diagnosis of Bipolar, which is also described through the attached link. Most likely considered Bipolar 2 or Cyclothymic. I'm not quite sure what my doctors have classified me as, since it hasn't been easy to determine. In any case, most days, I can sleep at least 18 plus hours in a day if I'm not working. My motivation to run is often VERY low, and I tend to overeat (or Binge Eating/Bulimia using laxatives sometimes 4 -7 days a week Eating Disorders)  Basic personal care may not happen for days and I'll usually isolate myself. During these times, my mind is convinced that no one would miss me if I were gone. Usually I'll have my phone off for hours, only to turn it on and find that no one has called or texted me the entire day.

People assume that just because I run marathons, encourage and inspire others to achieve their life and fitness goals, and attempt to promote a healthy living lifestyle, that I can't struggle with something as severe as depression. I'm a great actress for the most part, and can muster up enough energy to be positive when I need to be. People are always surprised when I talk about gaining weight because I run so many races, etc. I don't binge in public, it's a private affair. It all adds up and as I see the number on the scale increase and my clothing get tighter, I get more depressed. People tell me I just need to eat healthy. DUH!!! I know that. It goes beyond that. I just want people to understand. In any case, this is who I am. Hopefully through this blog, you'll understand more about THIS Depressed Runner.

Welcome to my blog......

Before I begin sharing with you my experiences, I first want to welcome you to my blog. I hope to update this at least twice a week, however, it will most likely be on a weekly basis. I also have a Facebook page where people can share their experiences as well. I'd like it to be a community where people who struggle with mental illness can be free to express themselves and people who may not know much about these mental illnesses can learn how to understand, cope, and support friends or family members who might struggle with mental illness. I'm very open about my disorder with friends and family because it aids me in overcoming some of the battles that I face very day. I hope that through my blog and interactions on my Facebook page that I can inspire, support, and educate people. My Facebook page can be found by searching for the The Depressed Runner on Facebook.

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