RWD: Running While Depressed Part 1

In order to discuss this topic, I'll need to go back to the end of Summer 2011. This was about the time that things started to decline in terms of my running. At this time, I was running at a pretty brisk pace. Most of my runs averaged about an 11 -11:45 min/mile. I was fairly consistent with my running and I wasn't binging quite as much. Towards the end of August, I allowed people in my life who had nothing but ill intentions. Unfortunately, I can't place all the blame on these individuals since I allowed them into my life in the first place and I accepted certain behaviors from them which were often times derogatory towards me. In any case, this was when my mood, my binge eating, and my running began reach an unhealthy level. Due to my frequent binges, I began slowly gaining weight, I still managed my running, however, it was infrequent and inconsistent. These toxic people were still in my life and they affected me emotionally until the end of the month of January 2012.

The end of January was also the time when I was supposed to be running my 5th marathon (the ING Miami). I hadn't trained effectively and even with this fact, I still decided to attempt to run the 26.2 miles. By mile 4, I was already mentally and physically fatigued. I pushed my way through the miles I could, telling myself that I could at least finish the half marathon (which I did). It was still a bit of a blow to my self-esteem (even though I knew I had not done adequate training), because I know I had let myself down. In 2010, I was doing so well (emotionally and physically), that I was able to finish the marathon in 5 hours and 22 minutes. I as proud of myself back then. I had gone from running a 6 hour + marathon, to below 5.5 hours. It took me fours years to do it, but I had accomplished something incredibly by my standards.

Shortly after my race, one of the toxic people ejected themselves out of my life, but painfully so. A few days later, the other toxic person did the same thing. Emotionally, I couldn't handle this because I had dealt with some much from both of these people at the same time that I felt beaten and battered emotionally. Not to mention coping with depression, my emotions were magnified. A lot of people communicated how they would deal with such an issue (essentially just shrugging their shoulders and moving on), however, this was more difficult for me as I already beat myself up emotionally, that having another person do that, in addition to rejecting me (at least that's how it felt) was devastating. The few months following these incidents, I became somewhat catatonic.

I got up late for work due to the fact that it was difficult for me to pull myself out of bed to shower and get ready. It felt as though it took too much effort attempt to get ready for work. Unfortunately, my dog would suffer as a result of this. Soon, my ability to get out bed caused me to miss quite a few days at work. I neglected my personal hygiene, only showering every couple of days if I wasn't going to work, or over the weekend. If I did shower, it was only to go out to eat (if I was hungry) to obtain my comfort food to binge on. It often made me feel better. My house was messy, and I didn't have the energy to clean up. When my friends would text or call, I'd usually ignore their calls, be unresponsive to their texts, or turn my phone off completely. Some people would not hear from me for days (especially those friends who did not see me often). I felt lonely and isolated, as though no one cared, otherwise they would have done more to determine what was wrong. It's ironic, because I was the one who was isolating myself from everyone. Finally, I was frequently standing up my running friends (from 2011 -2012, I was a part of a running group as an assistant coach and occasionally I'd just sleep in and not show up or call anyone to let them know I would not be there) and disappointing them causing them to see me as unreliable. I just couldn't drag myself out of bed (or out of the house) most weekday mornings (or weekends for that matter) to complete my training runs. This was the start of the dramatic decline of my running. I'll save the rest of the story for RWD: Part 2.