Introducing.......

Welcome to the Depressed Runner Blog. I had initially planned on writing about my recently completed 2012/2013 training/racing season, however, I thought it best that I introduce myself and provide a little bit of information as to why I'm writing this blog. I'll write about my training/racing season in my next blog. This blog will serve as a place for me to talk about living (and running) with depression. There are a plethora of psychological studies that have shown the benefits of exercise in managing the symptoms of depression. As a runner for the last 7 years, I can say that exercise has contributed to SOME manageability of my depressive symptoms, but is not a cure-all. Here is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition, Text Revision description of various mood disorders:Major Depression

Specifically, I'd like to direct your attention to Major Depressive Episode and Major Depressive Disorder. This is just a part of my diagnosis and affects most of my daily activities, as well as, how I view the world around me. Most days I feel alone, isolated, unloved, and misunderstood. I've been told by people in my life that I shouldn't reveal to too many people that I struggle with depression because it weakens my credibility or it can ruin opportunities.......

I understand where that thinking comes from, however, when this is something that affects so many areas of my life, it's not easy to keep it a secret. Then there are those people that just don't get it. They'll never get it. I can send articles, I can describe my experiences, they can witness each symptom displayed by me first hand, yet still not get it! Friendships are tested (usually to the point of failure), and those feelings I described in the last paragraph take over. Then, there are the personal messages and feelings I have about myself. People are always saying how I need to love myself, and I suppose I do, but I tend to mentally beat myself up more often than praise.

Daily activities are often difficult as well. Just getting up in the morning is a victory most days, especially when I'm in a depressive cycle. Due to some behaviors last summer, I have also been given a diagnosis of Bipolar, which is also described through the attached link. Most likely considered Bipolar 2 or Cyclothymic. I'm not quite sure what my doctors have classified me as, since it hasn't been easy to determine. In any case, most days, I can sleep at least 18 plus hours in a day if I'm not working. My motivation to run is often VERY low, and I tend to overeat (or Binge Eating/Bulimia using laxatives sometimes 4 -7 days a week Eating Disorders)  Basic personal care may not happen for days and I'll usually isolate myself. During these times, my mind is convinced that no one would miss me if I were gone. Usually I'll have my phone off for hours, only to turn it on and find that no one has called or texted me the entire day.

People assume that just because I run marathons, encourage and inspire others to achieve their life and fitness goals, and attempt to promote a healthy living lifestyle, that I can't struggle with something as severe as depression. I'm a great actress for the most part, and can muster up enough energy to be positive when I need to be. People are always surprised when I talk about gaining weight because I run so many races, etc. I don't binge in public, it's a private affair. It all adds up and as I see the number on the scale increase and my clothing get tighter, I get more depressed. People tell me I just need to eat healthy. DUH!!! I know that. It goes beyond that. I just want people to understand. In any case, this is who I am. Hopefully through this blog, you'll understand more about THIS Depressed Runner.