CLARITY

Clarity is often taken for granted by most people who don't have the experience of coping with a mental illness on a daily basis. I can recall almost 11 years ago when I experienced a similar major depressive episode to the one I experienced over the past 18 months. I remember emerging out of  "fog of depression" with a sense of clarity. That's how I describe it now. The only difference between then and now, is that back then I didn't experience episodes of mania (or at least none that I'm aware of). Approximately three weeks ago events occurred that caused me to spend the entire day an emotional, teary-eyed mess. It was in that moment that I made a call to my psychiatrist's office and scheduled an appointment. Apparently, I wasn't paying attention as I scheduled it (as I had scheduled it for the following week, yet had thought it was for the following DAY) and showed up on the incorrect day. Thankfully my psychiatrist saw me. By the time I saw him, I was feeling somewhat better, but still not quite myself. I hadn't seen him in probably 5-6 months and so I had explained what the last few months had been like for me.

You all know that story, so I don't need to go into details (if you're new to my blog, you can check out my previous posts). My psychiatrist decided to try out two new medications, one of which is actually a weight loss medication, but is also used for mood stabilization. I've definitely noticed a difference in terms of my appetite and even when I embark on a binge, I don't eat nearly as much as I did in the past. Additionally, my binges are less frequent. Within a week, the FOG lifted and my world became CLEAR. It was MAGICAL.

One of the first PERKS of CLARITY was the fact that I actually accomplished one of the hardest task during my 18 month cyclic manic/depressive period. This task was cleaning my apartment. I've managed to clean and keep it tidy. Next came increased energy and better sleep habits. I no longer spend most of my weekend sleeping. I've actually tried to take a nap and believe it or not, I can't even force myself to fall asleep in the afternoon whereas in the past, I could easily lay down and sleep all day and then sleep an entire night through. In terms of energy, although I'm not quite where I want to be in terms of working out, I'm in a better place than I was even while training for marathons all last year. I actually want to work out and I've made plans to work out. I do have some things that are causing some minor setbacks, but I have backup plans to get things moving. I've even signed up for a tennis class that starts next week. CLARITY is allowing me to see my possibilities and not my limitations.

Now the downside (yet a positive as well) of CLARITY is that I've had to really re-evaluate relationships with people. I've had friends who told me they were my "real" friends, yet they either don't want to or are unwilling, or can't deal with someone who has issues as extreme as mine. My therapist has told me that people have their own lives and it's not easy for people to be able to understand an illness that they can't see or that doesn't have a physical manifestation (such as cancer or the flu, etc). I started this blog and my Facebook page to educated my friends and family, however, I found that after sending an article to a friend to help them understand, the comments that I got were things such as, "Don't let anyone steal your happiness", or "Great article, thanks for sharing", or "Don't ever be sad". If it were that easy, don't you think I would have done that? So, sadly, I've had to push those people outside of my immediate circle as sadly they cannot be relied upon for the type of support I need. They're still friends, but no longer privy to the inner circle.

As soon as things became CLEAR, I also began to experience ANGER. This was ANGER I had internalized over the last 18 months. Most of it I have dealt with and as of the writing of this blog, don't feel much anger because I've dealt with the relationships I felt let me down, I've started embracing ME (what I mean by that is being OK being ALONE), and started doing what makes me happy.

I'm in the process of making some new decisions. My therapist thinks that my new found clarity is a manic episode and my psychiatrist just thinks I'm happy to finally be able to function.

RWD: Running While Depressed - Part 2

This is a LOOOOOOONG overdue post. I had meant to write it about two weeks ago, I believe, but I got depressed. In any case, in my last blog post, I had talked about how I had essentially flaked on my running group as well as my running friends. This trend continued through the Summer of 2012. Also, during the Summer, I had made an attempt to lose weight. I had gained about 15 lbs due to the frequent binges I was having. I decided to go back to Quick Weight Loss Centers. That was an ultimate failure. I would do well for about a week, but then I'd binge after losing a few lbs. This continued weekly until just about a month ago when I realize that the rigid structure of the plan that had worked so well before, wasn't what I needed at this  time. Took me almost a year to realize that. In the 10 months that I've wasted, I could be 100 lbs by now!!! I haven't gotten on a scale in a while, but I know that I've gained weight. I constantly feel conscientious about it because people have this view of me as being this fit runner. I've officially gone from a size 4/6 to a 12/14. 

I'll get back to the weight a bit later in this post. As far as my running, I wasn't consistent at all. I had a race scheduled for the beginning of October in my hometown and I'd not run more than about 6 miles. I managed to finish the race and in a somewhat respectable time ( for me personally). It wasn't my sub 2:30, but at least I had finished. I ran another race at the end of October, then the middle of November and a week after that. Each race, not my best, but even with my on again/off again running schedule, I still managed to finish each race. Since I had a full marathon scheduled for the end of January, I managed to get myself out on weekends to get my long runs in, even if I did them by myself. At this point, my friends were faster than I was. I always ended up running alone anyway. Race day came, and it was awful. I didn't actually finish the entire 26.2 miles. I  was rerouted because they had to open certain roadways. I crossed the finish line, however, it was better than the previous year when I didn't even try to complete the full and just stopped at the halfway point.   After that I completed a race in mid-February and mid-March. Since my last race in March, I haven't done ANYTHING!! :( 

I came home from my last race in March (which was the Rock and Roll USA in Washington, DC). I didn't unpack, I didn't clean, I didn't run. I didn't do anything. I fell into a slump. Now that I was done training for races, everything else was in my face. Being lonely, having an unkempt apartment, feeling overwhelmed and rejected. I had gotten tired of the Quick Weight Loss program and had decided to try it on  my own, but I was still binge eating. I finally just gave up. Then I saw a commercial for Jenny Craig and made a phone call. After looking at the cost and how much I had spent on QWL, I cancelled my appointment. Plus, I didn't want to shower and get out of the house that day.It was one of those days. I saw another commercial for Nutrisystem and figured, I had tried it once before in the past and it was cheaper than Jenny Craig, I'd try it for three months. The first month hasn't gone too well (meaning, I haven't lost any weight), but that's because I haven't been consistent. I have been binging, but not as much as I used to. Having more options to add to my diet, meant I wasn't craving those nasty foods that I used to console myself when I was feeling sad. Eating more variety meant that on that level, I was fulfilled, even if emotionally I wasn't completely (hence the reason the binges still continue, but not as bad).

First and foremost, I want to lose this weight, but I'm not stressing myself out about it. I know I need to work on what it is I'm eating. Since my binges revolve around a lot of sugar, I wanted to learn more about a link between sugar and depression. Here's a blog article regarding that: Sugar and Depression. I'm going to have to reduce or eliminate (at least for a few months), my intake of white breads and pastas and refined sugars and candy. Focus more on eating lean protein and natural fruits and veggies. This is the way to lose weight anyway and it should assist me in overcoming some of the major symptoms of depression. 

The second thing I plan to do is start exercising again. I have it set in my mind that I have to get up at the crack of dawn to exercise or run (although the heat of Summer in South Florida makes running after 8am unbearable), but I realize that with my schedule, most weekdays I can fit in a workout without getting up before the sun does. I just need to change that script in my head that tells me I have to do it it a certain time. I've decided to do Chalene Extreme, which is a weight lifting and cardio program and then introduce a running plan into the mix about a week after I start. I've already planned out my workouts, however, I day I decided to do it, I slept in. I've done this twice. I have it set up to start tomorrow (I can do my workout after work). I'll end with that and I''ll post a new blog in about a week and a half to share my progress (if I've made any). I don't plan on weighing myself or taking measurements, but I will be taking a progress photos. I'll let my clothes tell the story and my mood indicate how well I'm doing. Until next time. Thank you for reading. 

Undervalued

Do you ever feel under valued? I'm sure at one time or another we've been called selfish and this could be for any number of reasons. This isn't usually by strangers, but by people with whom you have a relationship with. Could be a family member, friend, or romantic partner. Over the last 10 years, I've had about two romantic partners and a friend here or there actually tell me that I was selfish. Usually it was because I communicated (to them it was complaining) that a need wasn't being met in the relationship. They usually harped that I wasn't doing anything to meet their needs. The funny thing is that I go above and beyond for my friends when they need me, but it's usually underappreciated. This then leaves me feeling undervalued. This contributes to my depressed mood and leaves me feeling as though I have no one to turn to. Additionally, feeling as though I'm not understood by friends and family also causes this isolation and disconnect. This week, I haven't really been in contact with any of my friends. No phone calls (mostly because I have no desire to talk on the phone, well one phone call actually), very few text messages, an A LOT of time spent by myself. Most people are busy with their other friends and family, so I don't reach out to schedule any time of outings with anyone. I don't think I'd be much company because at the moment, I'm just numb. I don't feel much excitement or interest in anything (Note to my mother: I'm taking my medicine). In any case, part of this is because I've been feeling undervalued. I briefly browsed an article that talked about how depressed people can become selfish because of their narrow view of the world and their inability to take care of themselves and meet their own needs. It's difficult to address the needs and feelings of the people in their lives. It's no excuse. I try to be attentive, but most of the time I just can't deal with myself and be a good friend. I've let a lot of people down. Anyway, just my thought for the moment.

RWD: Running While Depressed Part 1

In order to discuss this topic, I'll need to go back to the end of Summer 2011. This was about the time that things started to decline in terms of my running. At this time, I was running at a pretty brisk pace. Most of my runs averaged about an 11 -11:45 min/mile. I was fairly consistent with my running and I wasn't binging quite as much. Towards the end of August, I allowed people in my life who had nothing but ill intentions. Unfortunately, I can't place all the blame on these individuals since I allowed them into my life in the first place and I accepted certain behaviors from them which were often times derogatory towards me. In any case, this was when my mood, my binge eating, and my running began reach an unhealthy level. Due to my frequent binges, I began slowly gaining weight, I still managed my running, however, it was infrequent and inconsistent. These toxic people were still in my life and they affected me emotionally until the end of the month of January 2012.

The end of January was also the time when I was supposed to be running my 5th marathon (the ING Miami). I hadn't trained effectively and even with this fact, I still decided to attempt to run the 26.2 miles. By mile 4, I was already mentally and physically fatigued. I pushed my way through the miles I could, telling myself that I could at least finish the half marathon (which I did). It was still a bit of a blow to my self-esteem (even though I knew I had not done adequate training), because I know I had let myself down. In 2010, I was doing so well (emotionally and physically), that I was able to finish the marathon in 5 hours and 22 minutes. I as proud of myself back then. I had gone from running a 6 hour + marathon, to below 5.5 hours. It took me fours years to do it, but I had accomplished something incredibly by my standards.

Shortly after my race, one of the toxic people ejected themselves out of my life, but painfully so. A few days later, the other toxic person did the same thing. Emotionally, I couldn't handle this because I had dealt with some much from both of these people at the same time that I felt beaten and battered emotionally. Not to mention coping with depression, my emotions were magnified. A lot of people communicated how they would deal with such an issue (essentially just shrugging their shoulders and moving on), however, this was more difficult for me as I already beat myself up emotionally, that having another person do that, in addition to rejecting me (at least that's how it felt) was devastating. The few months following these incidents, I became somewhat catatonic.

I got up late for work due to the fact that it was difficult for me to pull myself out of bed to shower and get ready. It felt as though it took too much effort attempt to get ready for work. Unfortunately, my dog would suffer as a result of this. Soon, my ability to get out bed caused me to miss quite a few days at work. I neglected my personal hygiene, only showering every couple of days if I wasn't going to work, or over the weekend. If I did shower, it was only to go out to eat (if I was hungry) to obtain my comfort food to binge on. It often made me feel better. My house was messy, and I didn't have the energy to clean up. When my friends would text or call, I'd usually ignore their calls, be unresponsive to their texts, or turn my phone off completely. Some people would not hear from me for days (especially those friends who did not see me often). I felt lonely and isolated, as though no one cared, otherwise they would have done more to determine what was wrong. It's ironic, because I was the one who was isolating myself from everyone. Finally, I was frequently standing up my running friends (from 2011 -2012, I was a part of a running group as an assistant coach and occasionally I'd just sleep in and not show up or call anyone to let them know I would not be there) and disappointing them causing them to see me as unreliable. I just couldn't drag myself out of bed (or out of the house) most weekday mornings (or weekends for that matter) to complete my training runs. This was the start of the dramatic decline of my running. I'll save the rest of the story for RWD: Part 2.

Introducing.......

Welcome to the Depressed Runner Blog. I had initially planned on writing about my recently completed 2012/2013 training/racing season, however, I thought it best that I introduce myself and provide a little bit of information as to why I'm writing this blog. I'll write about my training/racing season in my next blog. This blog will serve as a place for me to talk about living (and running) with depression. There are a plethora of psychological studies that have shown the benefits of exercise in managing the symptoms of depression. As a runner for the last 7 years, I can say that exercise has contributed to SOME manageability of my depressive symptoms, but is not a cure-all. Here is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition, Text Revision description of various mood disorders:Major Depression

Specifically, I'd like to direct your attention to Major Depressive Episode and Major Depressive Disorder. This is just a part of my diagnosis and affects most of my daily activities, as well as, how I view the world around me. Most days I feel alone, isolated, unloved, and misunderstood. I've been told by people in my life that I shouldn't reveal to too many people that I struggle with depression because it weakens my credibility or it can ruin opportunities.......

I understand where that thinking comes from, however, when this is something that affects so many areas of my life, it's not easy to keep it a secret. Then there are those people that just don't get it. They'll never get it. I can send articles, I can describe my experiences, they can witness each symptom displayed by me first hand, yet still not get it! Friendships are tested (usually to the point of failure), and those feelings I described in the last paragraph take over. Then, there are the personal messages and feelings I have about myself. People are always saying how I need to love myself, and I suppose I do, but I tend to mentally beat myself up more often than praise.

Daily activities are often difficult as well. Just getting up in the morning is a victory most days, especially when I'm in a depressive cycle. Due to some behaviors last summer, I have also been given a diagnosis of Bipolar, which is also described through the attached link. Most likely considered Bipolar 2 or Cyclothymic. I'm not quite sure what my doctors have classified me as, since it hasn't been easy to determine. In any case, most days, I can sleep at least 18 plus hours in a day if I'm not working. My motivation to run is often VERY low, and I tend to overeat (or Binge Eating/Bulimia using laxatives sometimes 4 -7 days a week Eating Disorders)  Basic personal care may not happen for days and I'll usually isolate myself. During these times, my mind is convinced that no one would miss me if I were gone. Usually I'll have my phone off for hours, only to turn it on and find that no one has called or texted me the entire day.

People assume that just because I run marathons, encourage and inspire others to achieve their life and fitness goals, and attempt to promote a healthy living lifestyle, that I can't struggle with something as severe as depression. I'm a great actress for the most part, and can muster up enough energy to be positive when I need to be. People are always surprised when I talk about gaining weight because I run so many races, etc. I don't binge in public, it's a private affair. It all adds up and as I see the number on the scale increase and my clothing get tighter, I get more depressed. People tell me I just need to eat healthy. DUH!!! I know that. It goes beyond that. I just want people to understand. In any case, this is who I am. Hopefully through this blog, you'll understand more about THIS Depressed Runner.

Welcome to my blog......

Before I begin sharing with you my experiences, I first want to welcome you to my blog. I hope to update this at least twice a week, however, it will most likely be on a weekly basis. I also have a Facebook page where people can share their experiences as well. I'd like it to be a community where people who struggle with mental illness can be free to express themselves and people who may not know much about these mental illnesses can learn how to understand, cope, and support friends or family members who might struggle with mental illness. I'm very open about my disorder with friends and family because it aids me in overcoming some of the battles that I face very day. I hope that through my blog and interactions on my Facebook page that I can inspire, support, and educate people. My Facebook page can be found by searching for the The Depressed Runner on Facebook.

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